The two or three months leading up to the tsunami anniversary really took its toll. My mental state became the worst it has been in years. This was in terms of me struggling with the mental trauma, as well as the re-triggering of a physical injury, which was post trauma related. Life got to the point I needed to have injections in my back so I could be mobile, and drugged up with heavy-duty painkillers so I could sleep. But, there’s no quick fix injection for the mental trauma of that day, or what happened in the aftermath.
The trauma of anniversaries is killing me. In fact just over a year ago, in December 2013, it almost did. I could have easily been killed in the motorbike accident, or I at least came millimeters away from having a serious head injury. As a result of a trauma triggered, self-destructive episode, which resulted in me basically trying to stop a car with my face.
I was so tired, I just wanted it all to stop. I wanted to have a normal Christmas and New Year, without all the tsunami trauma and pain of what happened after. I’m not sure that’s possible anymore…
What follows is the only piece of writing that I attempted during that chaotic time. This is the original draft. I thought it would be more honest if I left it raw, without re-editing what I wrote in the middle of the abyss.
Arthur C. Clarke said Douglas Adams’ use of “Don’t Panic” was perhaps the best advice that could be given to humanity.
I really let myself down the past month. My progress took a major detour. I should have tried to be more disciplined, stayed focused and not let myself get cornered into situations, where I panic and then self-sabotage the positives in my life. In some ill thought out, knee jerk reaction to prevent or escape from potential rejection or failure. Essentially, falling into the cycle of continuing nightmare scenarios, that I dream about, have flashbacks about, and occasionally actually land myself in, i.e.: tsunami, motorbike crash, psychiatric ward, waking up in hospital, freaking the fuck out while being remanded in police custody, and most painfully the loss of career, friends, family, and the life I once thought I would have.
I get even more angry with myself that my life isn’t driven anymore by finding purpose and living in the moment, but rather running away from finding anything, and not really living in the now, but more being trapped in gut wrenching moments from the past, that you just can’t shake.
The annoying thing is that it’s all self-inflicted. No one wants me to suffer apart from maybe myself. I’m sure even those who I’ve really hurt and let down the most, would just want me to move on and find some internal peace.
I hate that I can’t always put things into perspective, and can’t give myself a break, and as a result shut everyone out. Instead of using “deep thought” for something constructive.
My “deep thought” has incredible experimental bias and logical flaws, by not taking into account all the information that is available to me. And then, to always analyse my “incomplete information” to the nth degree, which results in further unanswerable questions. Especially, when the analysis is so fundamentally flawed, by not accounting for serious calculation errors, stigmas and misconceptions. What’s worse is that you end up getting nothing out of the entire process, apart from feeling like shite, and ending up with an answer like, the number 42…
*The “Deep thought” metaphor refers to Douglas Adams’ 1979 book “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”. “Deep thought” was a supercomputer designed to answer the question “the meaning of life, the universe and everything..”
**“Missing information” referred to my PTSD treatment which helped link together the chronology of events during the tsunami and the difficulties afterwards. By taking the “missing information” into account in how I processed memories it helped deal with the intensity of the flashbacks etc…
Written years ago, before cancer...